Motherhood did not heal me
If anything it broke me a part in new ways
Gave me hopes and dreams and fears, god bone crushing fears
The uncertainty that I’m doing this right, that I’m not ruining your childhood
And the love just grows, between our little family

I get overstimulated in ways that make me want to peel my skin off
There is no alone time that isn’t consumed by anxiety of what tasks still need to be done
Also somehow I can always smell pee (which might be me because I pee a little if I laugh too hard or sneeze or cough)
I never knew how angry a tiny person could be while shouting that they get to pick what’s for dinner
And how full of rage it makes me that they won’t go to the bathroom when they need to GO

And yet

I am so in awe of this life I’ve created
This little person who still sometimes needs to hold my hand to go to sleep
Who looks at my husband and surely declares they are best friends
Theirs is the loudest laugh in the room and that joy is something I can only hope to cultivate
Dancing around the kitchen singing songs about belly buttons and coffee hunts

No, I don’t want to go back to the time before
I want to stay here and move forward
I want to live in the rage and in the joy
And all the quiet nothing moments in between
I want my family to grow in community and memories
I want to always be a safe space

No going back, only building forward