it doesn’t feel like sadness
that’s the part that’s hard to see
it isn’t tears
or sometimes it is
sometimes it’s sobbing until there is nothing left but salt

it doesn’t really feel like sadness
that’s what i’d want you to know
it’s more like a nothing
a numbness creeping crawling through my thoughts
and it’s so heavy

it doesn’t really feel like sadness
that’s what’s so suffocating
it feels like silence, like swimming in molasses
choking on moroseness
breathing in 110% humidity

it doesn’t really feel like sadness
that’s what’s hard to describe
i’m still me, but less
i stepped into my own shadow and only exist as a shade
if you look to close you’ll see i waver around the edges

it’s so much more than sadness
that’s the truth of it
it’s telling your brain your fine, while also feeling like you’re living in soup
sleep eat rinse repeat
until the tiniest bit of joy begins to matter

and then you wait for the next episode
hope you level out enough
this time it will last longer
the meds will work
you’ll start a journal
go to yoga
all the while fearing that the blanket will come down again and you’ll be the bird in the cage told to go to sleep

brains are a hell of a monster