Today is my birthday and I feel like I’m finally settling into life.

For a longtime 30 seemed so far away to me, like a goal that I would never really reach. I lived recklessly and it wasn’t like I was actively trying to die, but I wasn’t really all that interested in living either. I was comfortable floating in and out of depressive episodes and anxiety attacks. When I met my husband my life was at a really dark point and he just felt so solid to me. Every time I had a small accomplishment he was so excited for me, he never had negative words or compliment sandwich me. A compliment sandwich is when someone lifts you up, gives you a negative compliment, and then cushions that blow with another compliment. I couldn’t remember the last time I had someone consistently proud of me like that. I never felt like I had to preform around him. I finally started shedding someone of my armor and let him love me.

That’s not to say everything has been easy. The last few years have been filled with crushing loss and painful realizations, but I feel hopeful and sound. I used to feel so untethered and like nothing mattered, always searching for connections. I just felt like I could never quite get it right. I could never be a good enough friend. A good enough sister. A good enough partner. I doubted myself so much that I projected that into every relationship I had and it really hurt me and others. I burned so many bridges because I couldn’t communicate the pain I was in properly, I just didn’t have the tools. Or I sought relationships with people who were never going to really support me, we weren’t compatible. No matter how much I tried to make myself fit the mold of what they wanted or what I wanted, it wasn’t going to work.

I’ve had joy in my life and really amazing solid friends and family that I am lucky to have. I have immense gratitude and love for the people in my life who have stayed to watch me grow into a better version of myself. There is a special kind of love between friends who can see the best and worst part of you and still dive headfirst into friendship. The ones that will crawl into bed with you and dry your eyes. The same friends and family who will rejoice in your successes and help you heal from your failures. I am incredibly lucky to have people like this in my life. I’ve gotten better at finding them and ending relationships or at least limiting interaction with people who don’t support me. Find people who give you what you need in life, the rest is just noise.

If I could go back and give myself advice, I know exactly what I would say. Stop living your life for other people. We all only get one life. Enjoy the things you want to enjoy and stop worrying that someone else won’t like it. There is so much joy and fun to be had. Let’s celebrate baby!